6

Aug

How to Matter

Posted by admin  Published in Listening to God, Living Free, Waiting on God, motivation

Want a great movie for your next movie night?  Try Julie and Julia.  Here are two women, feeling a little lost, and finding their way ahead through food.  Brilliantly done, deliciously filmed, funny, a little sad, challenging, triumphant.  It’s about love, life, discovering, and mattering.

Mattering.  That”s a big theme for me these days.

A few weeks back I wrote a post about validation.  It still holds very true.  To realize that you’ve pushed, strived, driven, given, and sweated blood for things that were important to you to find that really, in the end, it was “vanity, vanity“.

As I work through my journey to un-box my life, I find myself feeling that same kind of lostness the the women in this film went through.  I have tried to fill that void with different attempts to reach out and help people, but in the end, I’m not really good at intimacy or at friendship.  In fact, I’m not really good a caring about something over a long period of time.  I suffer not only from regular ADD, but “compassionate ADD” as well.

I’m trying to figure out how to move forward.  With no religious structure, no real business structure (yet, though I pray that’s coming) no real daily structure -in fact, very little structure at all, I find myself feeling a bit like jello that hasn’t quite set.  I feel like I need a project to define me.

The truth is, I need to be defined by who I was created to be.  For that, I need to understand the heart of my Creator as it applies to me, and yet that Creator is so firmly bound with religious ties, that I find it hard to know him without that structure – and with that structure He isn’t real either.

Not sure how to move forward.

Perhaps I should take up cooking… :)

Darlene

Darlene Hull

You are right: you don’t have to comment or retweet, but would it help if I told you it would be much appreciated? :)

Who is Darlene Hull?
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The ideas, procedures, and suggestions in this blog are not intended to replace a consultation with a physician or other qualified health care professional. All matters regarding your health require medical supervision.

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25

Jun

I’m Gonna Fly

Posted by admin  Published in Lifestyle Design, Listening to God, Waiting on God

Way back in the 80′s Amy Grant wrote a song called “I’m Gonna Fly”  I loved that song – it touched my heart somehow, and has sort of become my anthem.  Sometimes it’s gotten lost in the detritus of life, but it always re-emerges.  Take a listen:

Now, if you’ve been reading my blog even sporadically, you have to know that I’m a passionate reader.  Probably the understatement of the century!  :D  Anyway, I’m currently reading (among other books) Walking in the Will of God: Discovering the Grace and Freedom of His Plan for You where Steve McVey basically says “If you’re serious about following God, and there’s a passion in your heart to do something, do it”  and (thankfully) it doesn’t always mean some kind of missionary/charity project.  Basically, if something makes you fire on all cylinders, and you are serious about following God, you can generally assume that that passion comes from God – even if it’s for something like flying planes, or painting, or whatever, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be “Christianed up” to be acceptable.

Shortly after writing last Friday’s post I was poking through some book titles to add to my iPod Kindle app (as if I actually needed new books to read!) and came across the updated version of  Tim Ferriss’  The 4-Hour Workweek.  I had eagerly and enthusiastically devoured the first version, and decided to read the expanded version, but this time, instead of just reading it, I was going to do each exercise in the book, and create that life.  Tom and I have known for a long time now that we’re not designed to live ordinary lives.  We’ve tried hard to fit in anyway, and it’s just not working.

So here goes something new.  In addition to letting go of the ritual of church life and  the duties of spiritual disciplines (having already released the family from the stranglehold of standard education!) I am now finally going to throw off the restraints of any remaining normalcy in my life (there’s truly very little left, LOL!) and I’m going to learn to live life in a way that makes me fly – literally and figuratively.

Just in case there’s anyone out there who’s interested in following along, I’m going to be posting about that life and the journey it takes me on, here on this blog on Fridays, so you can peek in and see how it works in real life.  If you have always wanted to try letting go and living a truly free life, let me encourage you to grab a copy of the book and follow along.  As I type this, I’m just starting the exercises at the end of Chapter 4, so set aside some time to read, and catch up to me.  I’ll update you on the results of those exercises next week.

Woohoo!  Yes, baby, I’m Gonna Fly!!!

Darlene Hull

You are right: you don’t have to comment or retweet, but would it help if I told you it would be much appreciated? :)

Who is Darlene Hull?
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The ideas, procedures, and suggestions in this blog are not intended to replace a consultation with a physician or other qualified health care professional. All matters regarding your health require medical supervision.

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18

Jun

To be (validated) or not to be (validated)

Posted by admin  Published in Listening to God, Waiting on God, spiritual awareness

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about who I really am. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be “seen” as if I was afraid of being nobody if I weren’t seen in a big way by somebody. Many of the truly poor decisions of my life have been made as a result of my need to be recognized, affirmed, and validated.

My platform for most of my life has been the church – or some branch of the church – and I have lived a pretty “visible” life as a teacher, leader, mentor, facilitator, and musician. As I’ve been working through the results of my “religion-free” lifestyle, and letting go of all the “tasks” that involves, I’ve been coming to terms with this huge fear that if I’m not on stage leading/teaching something, not advising someone where they’re struggling, not creating something that will outlast me, I will disappear into the shadows of existence, and my life will have counted for nothing. Don’t get me wrong – I have a wonderful family that supports me, puts up with my foibles, and enables me to understand what it is to be loved, but there’s a deep, visceral need inside me to be validated by a much larger audience.

The crazy thing is that as I’ve released all those things that have always made me somebody – all the platform stuff, the leadership stuff, the helping hand stuff – no one’s really even noticed that I’ve left the room. With that knowledge, I must come to terms with the fact that all the striving, trying, struggling, driving, pushing and forcing that I’ve done have amounted to nothing. In the end, there’s just me and Jesus. The truly frightening thing about that, is that after 50 years in the church, I’m not even sure what that means. I have lived my whole faith-life as a ritual and duty, not as a relationship. 50 years of bad habits and wrong thinking is hard to overcome.

In the silence of my current obscurity I find my biggest battle is that constant attempt to validate myself. Finding ways to prove to myself that I am worthy, that I am important, that I do count. However, all the things I do to create that validation in my life are as ashes. The Bible does say that, but this is the first time in my life that there’s enough silence to hear it.

So here I am, me and Jesus, and there’s a lot of awkward silence in the room. I’m not quite sure how to start the conversation, so I think I’ll just sit here a while and see what happens.

Darlene Hull

You are right: you don’t have to comment or retweet, but would it help if I told you it would be much appreciated? :)

Who is Darlene Hull?
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The ideas, procedures, and suggestions in this blog are not intended to replace a consultation with a physician or other qualified health care professional. All matters regarding your health require medical supervision.

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13

Apr

Living Free – Part 4

Posted by admin  Published in Listening to God, Waiting on God

Those of you who have been tracking with this blog know that our family is walking through some challenging times with regards to our faith.  If you want to see the rest of the conversation, you can read these posts in this order:

  1. Living Free – Doing Life Differently
  2. He Loves Me!
  3. In His Steps

boy_jesus_in_the_workshop_zoomThis morning I was listening to anotther of the podcasts from “The God Journey” called “Openly, Honestly, Freely” and I want to quote something Brad said that was transformational for me:

“God came into the world as a little baby, and then took the time to grow up. And the world was all going wrong, and things needed to be fixed, and God was living normal, everyday life, in one locale. I’ve never heard one single sermon validating that that’s beautiful, and part of God’s plan”

I found that so freeing – it encourages me to not panic about what’s going on around me, but to continue to try and tune in to what God is wanting me to do right now. Sometimes, the most important thing in my day is going to be cooking a nutritious dinner for my family. Other times, He may call me to change the world. I will never miss an opportunity if I’m walking with him. By striving, pushing, driving, and living out of guilt and struggle, I will miss MANY opportunities that God has set up for me.

We’re still in a bit of a lost place, and Tom’s business is going through a rough place, as well, so we really are in a situation where we must rely on God.  And I’m peaceful.  I’m working to fulfill what I know is my responsibility, and giving up what I know has to be His.

I trust that will be a much better scenario than my usual one of having to have control over everything.

I have loved walking to these podcasts.  I’ve listened to a year’s worth over the past few months, and they are feeding my soul in deep places.  Makes it worth facing the nasty weather we’ve been having! :)

Happy Walking!

Darlene

PS – Friday is my birthday, and I have a gift for all of you reading my blog.  Stop by Friday morning, and check it out!

Darlene Hull

You are right: you don’t have to comment or retweet, but would it help if I told you it would be much appreciated? :)

Who is Darlene Hull?
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The ideas, procedures, and suggestions in this blog are not intended to replace a consultation with a physician or other qualified health care professional. All matters regarding your health require medical supervision.

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31

Mar

In His Steps

Posted by admin  Published in Listening to God, Spiritual Discipline, Uncategorized, Waiting on God, spiritual awareness

j0289486Tom and I are continuing our journey in learning to “Live Free”.  It’s been challenging, scary, tearful, and exhausting, but we’ve also seen where it’s going to bring freedom and truth to our faith.

I remember when I first started homeschooling, I wondered if I was “qualified” enough to do it. I had partial teacher training (I quit as soon as I realized someone was going to die in that grade one classroom with 47 children…) but I was assured that if I could teach my kids to walk and talk, I could teach them to read and write.

Later, I got all the questions about “socialization”, and after researching I discovered that kids who are well-socialized within their families are better socialized than kids who are socialized in a classroom of 30 unsocialized kids with one poor teacher trying to train them all how to behave and interact, all by herself/himself.

Next, I let go of formalized curriculum, and let the kids have free reign to pursue their passions. Through that my kids have taught themselves reading, writing and math, with very little interference from their mother, and they are both in the process of setting up their first business.

My Christian walk seems to be taking a similar path.

Through reading the book “So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore“  Tom and I, after much prayer, and careful thought, are stepping back from organized church, to pursue God’s heart on our own for a while.  The first reaction was, “But how will you stay ‘true’? How will you keep from backsliding?”  The truth is, our hearts are desperate for a deeper experience of Jesus.  I believe HE is big enough and true enough and faithful enough to keep us straight.

Then came the question of fellowship.  The truth is my best fellowship moments happen outside of church.  I’m usually too busy at the actual church to fellowship with people – or they are too busy to fellowship with me.  Just because I’m not attending service doesn’t mean I can’t have coffee.

Thirdly is the question of growth – can I do that on my own?  Yes.  Between God and my friends, I can walk forward in confidence.  On my weekend away with Tom we were walking along a hiking path by a waterfall.  It was a little treacherous and slippery, but I found that if I placed my feet directly in Tom’s footprints, I was OK.  God showed me then that this is how He wants me to walk with Him.  Just look for His leading, and walk that path behind Him, knowing He has prepared the way.   Instead of having everything filtered through experts, I’m going to listen to God myself, seek His heart, and place my feet directly in his footprints.  Not having so much church “activity” also means I’m free to pursue people who can help me move forward where I am, and whom I can help where they are, instead of being on the pastor’s schedule for what he’s being led to teach the whole church, which, lately, is not where I am in my own walk.

This weekend I led worship for the last time in what might be a very long time.  I was so blessed by God through it that I was in tears afterwards.  Deep, deep reassurance that He was delighted in my choice, and anxious to take me further.  It will be hard to let go – I have a great church – but the call to freedom is so loud in my ears that I am having trouble hearing anything else.

Darlene

Darlene Hull

You are right: you don’t have to comment or retweet, but would it help if I told you it would be much appreciated? :)

Who is Darlene Hull?
Click the picture to find out!

The ideas, procedures, and suggestions in this blog are not intended to replace a consultation with a physician or other qualified health care professional. All matters regarding your health require medical supervision.

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