Isn’t it funny how sometimes you can go about your day, all is well, and then some little thing happens and WHAM! Major over-reaction, emotions in a whirl, you are consumed by whatever it is that happened and it goes around and around in your head like a dog taking down a rat?

This has happened to me twice this week in my business.

I think it’s fair to say that I’m pretty open, and I love to share ideas, collaborate, support other businesses, etc. I make a habit of it. I do it on purpose, consciously, because I believe with all my heart that collaboration, an exchange of ideas, and support beats competition and closed fists any day. I’m even happy – and encouraging – when a person decides that a different solution to what I’m offering is a better choice (that happened to me this week, and it was fine. Honest.)

But two things happened this week that stopped me in my tracks. The first happened when my efforts to do something amazing were thwarted by someone who just wanted “the bare facts” and the second through a mis-communication in a FB post where I was trying to be helpful but it was misinterpreted and blew into a stabbing attack that I cannot seem to resolve. In both cases I was overwhelmed by the emotions which were obviously completely inappropriate for the seriousness of the situation. Both cases disturbed my peace of mind for days, hindered my sleep, and caused me to go through my days with deep, ulcerative anxiety.

What was THAT all about?

I took it to Jesus and asked Him to show me what was up. Turns out there’s a huge (HUGE) fear of rejection there. Way bigger than I had imagined – especially in the current situation I’m in with a loving, supportive family, great friends, and almost embarrassing amount of written praise and affirmation that comes my way (especially on my birthday). I mean, I do feel loved, appreciated, and supported, believe me! But there’s still something there…

I mean, we all have brokenness. That’s obvious. Some just creates frustration, and can be tackled on a case-by-case basis. This particular experience however, is obviously starting to affect my work, my productivity, my health and my relationships all around (who wants to hang out with someone who’s obsessing over some small slight?!) Wow.

During prayer, after showing Satan the door on this issue, I asked Jesus to first heal the root cause of this rejection and fear of abandonment, and then to help me to accept and receive what He’s already showering me with in evidence to the contrary.

It’s been a powerful experience, and the journey continues…

If you’ve walked through this yourself, I’d love to hear your story. If you have tips that will help me walk through this with greater integrity and more permanent results, I’m all ears!

Darlene

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This is a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately. How big is God, really?

In the conversations I’ve had with people about my not going to church there seems to be a lot of fear for my spiritual safety, and to be honest, I’ve also felt a little nervous regarding the spiritual growth of my two kids without the church to kind of “back them up”.

When this happens, I’m learning to stop myself and ask “How big is God?”

If my reasons for leaving the church were “right” ones (what appeared to be a call from God asking me to leave) as opposed to my leaving for reasons of anger, rebellion and hurt, and if my purpose is to really and truly know God as He really and truly is, and if I’m pursuing that desire through scripture, open fellowship where I’m encouraging people to speak truth to me, and prayer, and if I see strong growth in my life in confession, repentance, celebration, and fellowship, then what do I have to fear? Is God not big enough to help me? And if my heart is right, and I’m open before Him and before others – including my family – is He not also big enough to watch over my children?

I’ve been surprised by the amount of fear expressed towards me about this – not just from “outside” but also the amount that has surfaced in myself. I cannot believe how much my faith has been motivated by fear. This is NOT the foundation I want to build my relationship with God on. I want to stand solidly on His love, not my fear. Perfect love casts out fear, and that’s how I’m choosing to live.

And what about fellowship? The fellowship I see in the Bible in the New Testament is less about a formal, pre-planned church service with bells and whistles, and more about people coming together to celebrate Jesus because they couldn’t help sharing, each one bringing something to contribute about what they’re learning in the faith. Each one responsible for their own growth, and coming together to know and be known by others. Since leaving the church God has blessed me with several deep, deep friendships with people, conversations that bring tears, hilarious laughter, change, prayer, teaching, support, and great love. THIS is the fellowship I believe God wants us to have. For some, they find that in the church, and I say “Praise God”. For others it’s a little more difficult.

And strangely enough, I’m a huge fan of things like liturgy and spiritual discipline, ancient prayers and the like that is pretty much only found in the church, but I’m learning to find it and use it on my own as well, and I’m thriving in the richness of that heritage, too.

So, to answer my question: is God big enough to keep me and my family safe? I have to answer a resounding “YES”.

And I’m not going to waste any more time worrying about it. Whew!

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I’ve been reading a fascinating book at the encouragement of a friend. It’s called “Theology of the Body for Beginners“* Very cool. One of the lessons which struck me was the one on gift vs. grasp. It’s our current social epidemic.

In the Garden God had many gifts for Adam and Eve. Instead of trusting Him and waiting for Him to gift them with the things they needed, they decided to grasp for what they wanted – because of the fear that Satan planted in their hearts about God selling them short – and chaos ensued for all of us.

Before we judge them over-harshly, let’s look at our own lives. How often do we go get something on a credit card instead of waiting for God to give it to us in His perfect timing in His perfect way? I sense the panic rising in me when something I really want is on sale and I don’t have the cash in hand or in the bank to purchase it. I rush ahead of God and slap it on my Visa.

But it’s not just in finance. It’s in many areas: I want super fast healing, I want instantaneous success, I want perfect children and a perfect husband – now!

God has many gifts for me, and if I can manage to keep my eyes on Him instead of keeping my eyes on what I perceive to be my need I think I’d find many more miracles, many more opportunites to bless and be blessed by others, many more moments of deep and awesome intimacy with my God.

It’s all about patience and trust. I have very little of both. How about you?

Darlene

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I believe strongly that victory is won or lost in the brain. All day long there’s a kind of “chatter going on inside our heads. That chatter is either confirming who we are in Christ, who we are as our best selves, or it’s going against it. Most people I know have chatter that is constantly condemning, rebuking, or criticizing either ourselves and/or others. Negative, black self-talk that is like a black sludge drawing us deeper and deeper into despair. It doesn’t allow us to live a life of victory or joy, and because of it, most of us never truly live out our potential.

Do you hear yourself every saying to yourself “Great. You screwed up again”, or “I will NEVER get this right”, or “I’m such an idiot”? Those kinds of phrases end up being agreements with Satan, and they give him an every greater foothold in our lives. We need to combat these kinds of thoughts, but you know already from experience that trying to tell yourself something different when you don’t quite believe it (like “I am powerful, successful and wealthy) only seems to confirm what we’re not.

I believe there is a much more powerful way to change our thought patterns – replace them with a focus on Christ – not necessarily by combating them with the word of God when they arise – i.e. you are angry so you quote Ephesians 4:26 over and over again, hoping you’ll calm down – but you often don’t.

I think there’s a better way – just simply fill your mind with good stuff so there isn’t room for negative self-talk. This will slowly allow us to “be transformed by the renewing of our minds”

We’ve talked before about the habit of attaching prayer to various activities. There is such a wealth of deep prayer circulating in Christian literature, that it’s not hard to find one that does exactly the right thing.

In our N.A.V.Y adventures a couple of weeks ago I suggested that as you drink your daily lemon tea (2x/day) you pray the wonderful prayer from Sarah Young: “Jesus, open my eyes that I might see you everywhere”. Here’s another of my favourite prayers that I like to use throughout the day (it’s a version of the “Anima Chrsiti”)

“Jesus, may all that is you flow into me.
May your body and blood be my food and drink.
May your passion and death be my strength and life.
Jesus, with you by my side enough has been given.
May the shelter I seek be the shadow of your cross.
Let me not run from the love which you offer,
but hold me safe from the forces of evil.
On each of my dyings shed your light and your love.
Keep calling to me until that day comes,
when, with your saints, I may praise you forever. Amen.”

Try memorizing that beautiful prayer, and then reciting it to yourself throughout the day either at specific times, with specific activities, or simply as you think of it. It will go a long way to cleaning up the sludge of negative back talk!

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Life is lived at a pretty fast pace these days.  I know my life in the past month or so has been ridiculously hectic trying to keep my head above water with a job that has temporarily become almost full-time, a new business that my kids and I are working hard at creating momentum for, this site which, while more of a hobby site, is a true passion of mine, highschool homeschooling, and just general housework, home maintenance duties.  Finding an oasis of calm is a struggle.

Often when we think of taking a break we think in terms of taking a couple of weeks’ holidays, or at minimum, going away for the weekend.  The truth is, while those kinds of breaks are wonderful, they often end up adding to the stress, rather than taking it away.  It’s hard to book them frequently enough to really make a difference.

But you CAN take several “mini-breaks” in a single day that will have a huge impact on how high your normal stress level is.  Even in my busy schedule, I make it a priority to take a break.  When I’m at work I often hide in the bathroom for just a minute between classes to breathe deeply and focus.  This helps me to make sure each class gets my full attention and highest level of energy.  When I get home, it’s time for tea and connection (known as “social tea” around here) with the kids.  On days I work from home I get up often to stretch, breathe deeply, and do something good for myself – grab a square of dark chocolate, go outside and take a picture, do a small household chore that “shifts my gears” for a second, stretch, watch an episode of a TV series with my kids (currently we’re re-watching all of “Corner Gas” The resulting laughter is also a great stress reducer).

Something I’m trying to incorporate into my day, going back to the whole “Celtic thing” is to simply stop for 2 minutes, stretch, do some deep breathing exercises, and then breathe a prayer to just consciously re-connect to God.   I came across a wonderful prayer the other day: “Open my eyes, Jesus, so that I may see You everywhere” (Sarah Young, from “Jesus Calling”) What a wonderful thing to focus my mind on in the midst of the busy-ness of my day!

Why not try that yourself today, as you go about your business? Share your results below!

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So it’s been a long journey from religious habit to heart-relationship with God. We’re certainly not at our final destination yet, but I imagine that will only happen when I’m no longer here on planet earth!

But good things are happening. I find myself now able to turn to God more naturally, in conversation. I am starting to hunger for His word, and I’m listening to the Bible as I sleep (with my funky new SleepPhones!) I’ve also been reading a daily devotional most mornings called “Joy and Strength” which I love. It’s not the frothy, superficial “cup of coffee for a woman’s soul” kind of devotional. It has real meat in it. For example, this is what I read the other day:

“As soon as I woke in the morning I threw myself into the arms of Divine Love as a child does into its father’s arms. I rose to serve Him, and to perform my daily labor simply that I might please Him. If I had time for prayer, I fell on my knees in His divine presence, consecrated myself to Him, and begged Him that He would accomplish His holy will perfectly in me, and through me, and that He would not permit me to offend Him in the least thing all through the day,. I occupied myself with Him and His praise as long as my duties permitted. Very often, I had not leisure to say even so much as the Lord’s Prayer during the day, but that did not trouble me. I thought it as much my duty to work for Him as to pray to Him, for He, Himself had taught me, that all that I should do for love of Him would be a true prayer. I loved Him and rejoiced in Him. If my occupations required all my attention, I had nevertheless my heart turned towards Him; and, as soon as they were finished, I ran to Him again, as to my dearest Friend. When evening came, and every one went to rest, I found mine only in the Divine Love, and fell asleep, still loving and adoring Him.” (Armelle Nicolas)

Ahhh. This is what my heart longs for, and this is what my stone heart is beginning to experience. Just a small beginning, but a beginning, nonetheless!

Strange. As we enter the dark, dormant Winter season, my heart is celebrating Spring!

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My own ethnic heritage is Welsh/English. My maternal Grandparents were immigrants from Wales, met here in Canada, married, and raised their family here.   My paternal Grandparents were from the Birmingham area in England and came to Canada several generations ago.

I never thought much about my heritage until I married my Belfast boy.  I became fascinated with the whole Celtic heritage that I’d inherited through my ancestors, and again through marriage and started to explore it a little.

Fascinating stories of old saints and amazing hardships.

The part that really appealed to me is their Christian heritage.  St Patrick – who hailed from Britain – was captured as a slave when he was a young boy.  He escaped, became a Christian, and returned to Ireland as a Bishop, and is almost single-handedly credited with converting them to the Christian faith.  He was beloved by all, and became Ireland’s patron saint.

In exploring Celtic faith and Christianity I discovered something that became really meaningful to me.  As the “Spiritual Directions” site states,

Every aspect of Celtic life was approached as an opportunity for union with the divine….their entire day was entwined with prayer. No part of life was too ordinary, mundane or routine for the Holy One to be present in it. The Celts had blessings for everything from house to hearth, animals and land, birth and death, waking and sleeping and travel.

I think this is wonderful!  My contemplative heart loves the idea of having every day bathed in prayer.  Yes, you can make it a chore and a mundane, thoughtless habit, or you can use it as a way to constantly connect to God.

I grew up in a very traditional Baptist church – choir robes, pipe organ, “Holy, Holy, Holy” and the whole nine yards.  It was a great church with loving, caring  people, but my young heart desired something much richer and deeper.  Because of that, I was always drawn to the Catholic Church with its pomp and circumstance, its icons, robes, incense and ceremony.  Being a Baptist, I struggled with their doctrine, but I loved their worship.

This longing has created quite a bit of confusion in my heart.  There was a time – not that long ago – when the desire to live as a nun in a convent spending my day in prayer was a tangible, living  thing in my soul.  Being married to a staunch Northern Irish presbyterian made that somewhat awkward although my husband is such a great man, he gave me freedom to explore.

When this whole journey reached a critical pitch, I was able to see that my longing was not for the Catholic Church, or for a particular form of worship, but it was more for a relationship with  God that allowed free expression of emotion, quiet times of togetherness, and deep intimacy.  For some reason the Catholic system embodied that for me.

When I looked deeper into the Celtic traditions, I realized I could take that longing and make it part of my everyday by using simple prayers as a tool to remind myself to simply connect and enter in.

When I hit my “religious crisis” that I’ve posted about recently, I put all of that aside, but it’s now calling to me from a healthier place.  I want any tool I can get to reach out to God regularly, so I’m slowly bringing those prayers back in to my everyday life.  I am slowly attaching prayer to mundane activities like drinking my water, washing my dishes, waking up in the morning and going to bed at night.  Mostly I use memorized prayers as a tool to enter in, and then I let the relationship take over.

I’m back to taking baby steps here, but as long as I’m moving forward, I’m in a good and happy place!

What do you think?  How do you connect with God in your day?  How do you live out a meaningful spirituality?  Post in the comments below!

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I continue my journey to learn to walk with God without the trappings and burdens of religion.  I haven’t shared much of the spiritual side of my journey lately, so I thought I’d give you a quick update!

One of the many books I’m working through is (Living in the Kingdom of God Where) Grace Rules by Steve McVey.  Again, it’s about living in grace, not law.  In his chapter called “Sin’s Secret Weapon” he explains that the whole purpose of the law is to stir up in us a desire to sin.

On page 87 in the book, Steve Writes:

God didn’t think for one moment that man would keep the law.  Remember, He knows everything.  He didn’t’ give the law because HE believed man would keep it, but rather because MAN believed he could keep it.   He mistakenly believed that if he had clear instructions, he could achieve a righteous standing with God on the basis of his behavior.  So God gave the law to demonstrate that righteousness can never come by adherence to religious rules.  The law is intended to frustrate us to the point of despair so that we give up all hope that we can successfully live in a way that pleases God.  By forcing us to admit our own inability to accomplish a righteous lifestyle, it drives us toward Jesus so that we can ACCEPT righteousness from Him as a gift.  The purpose of the law is to inflame sin, thus causing us to see our own hopelessness apart from the mercy and grace of God expressed to us through Jesus Christ.

It’s kind of like this song by Jason Gray:

What do you think? Do you have anything to add to the discussion on law vs grace? Post your comments below! Let’s bounce some ideas around!

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Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about who I really am. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be “seen” as if I was afraid of being nobody if I weren’t seen in a big way by somebody. Many of the truly poor decisions of my life have been made as a result of my need to be recognized, affirmed, and validated.

My platform for most of my life has been the church – or some branch of the church – and I have lived a pretty “visible” life as a teacher, leader, mentor, facilitator, and musician. As I’ve been working through the results of my “religion-free” lifestyle, and letting go of all the “tasks” that involves, I’ve been coming to terms with this huge fear that if I’m not on stage leading/teaching something, not advising someone where they’re struggling, not creating something that will outlast me, I will disappear into the shadows of existence, and my life will have counted for nothing. Don’t get me wrong – I have a wonderful family that supports me, puts up with my foibles, and enables me to understand what it is to be loved, but there’s a deep, visceral need inside me to be validated by a much larger audience.

The crazy thing is that as I’ve released all those things that have always made me somebody – all the platform stuff, the leadership stuff, the helping hand stuff – no one’s really even noticed that I’ve left the room. With that knowledge, I must come to terms with the fact that all the striving, trying, struggling, driving, pushing and forcing that I’ve done have amounted to nothing. In the end, there’s just me and Jesus. The truly frightening thing about that, is that after 50 years in the church, I’m not even sure what that means. I have lived my whole faith-life as a ritual and duty, not as a relationship. 50 years of bad habits and wrong thinking is hard to overcome.

In the silence of my current obscurity I find my biggest battle is that constant attempt to validate myself. Finding ways to prove to myself that I am worthy, that I am important, that I do count. However, all the things I do to create that validation in my life are as ashes. The Bible does say that, but this is the first time in my life that there’s enough silence to hear it.

So here I am, me and Jesus, and there’s a lot of awkward silence in the room. I’m not quite sure how to start the conversation, so I think I’ll just sit here a while and see what happens.

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Further to my “notes and quotes” post of last Friday on the book Younger Next Year for Women: Live Strong, Fit, and Sexy – Until You’re 80 and Beyond I wanted to add one more important point the authors make about staying young and healthy.  This is regarding faith:

People who search for meaning in their lives and their experiences survive loss better, cancer better, heart disease better, and have healthier immune chemistry, lower C-6 markers of inflammation and lower risks of stroke and Alzheimer’s disease.  People who report that faith is an important part of their lives have mortality rates a third lower than average.  They have lower blood pressures, and lower blood sugar levels, spend fewer days in the hospital and report substantially higher levels of life satisfaction and emotional well-being.

Sounds like some pretty good reasons to search a little deeper for the answers to the “big” questions.

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