The stuff God’s been challenging me with these past weeks all have to do with authenticity.  That’s a big word for me.  I grew up in a situation where the most important thing was what people thought of you.  There were “expectations” that you needed to live up to.  As a girl, I was expected to have curly hair, wear dresses, play with dolls, drink out of china teacups, enjoy playing house.  I was expected to behave properly at all times, not be rambunctious, and probably grow up to be a nurse.

Now, I have two sisters that followed this path quite nicely.  They had beautiful hair that curled – one has naturally curly hair – loved to play with dolls, they behaved themselves properly, and mostly did what was expected of them.  They always looked like little princesses – and I don’t mean that in any kind of derogatory fashion.  I have great sisters.  They are both fairly domestic, however, and love things like cooking, sewing, handwork, and dolls – even now they have amazing collections of “build-a-bear” dolls with all the clothes.

Now I, on the other hand, was not born with enough hair to do anything with.  If you did manage to get a curler in it, it would fall out.  If the curler managed to stay in long enough to do something (with the help a enormous amounts of pins, gel, and hairspray) it would leave my hair kinked, not curled.  My poor mother.  I wore dresses (there were few other options for little girls in my era) but peeking out below the hem were always two battered knees and I also always sported pokey battered elbows.  I didn’t much like dolls and playing house.  I collected bugs and climbed trees.  My pets included snakes, toads, and gerbils (among others) and my mother just stopped checking my pockets before washing my clothes because there was usually something alive in there.

I lived on my bike.  I would ride for hours, hide out in the local forests we had in our area (it was a safer world then) and build forts, live adventures and get really, really dirty.

Understandably, I had a hard time fitting in.

When I was very young people discovered I could sing, and from the age of three I sang everywhere – churches, old folk’s homes, weddings, funerals, and managed to do it full-time for 5 years before I got married (my husband was actually my sound engineer).  That gift put me firmly in the spotlight, and gave me a place where I WAS doing things right, and where I COULD shine as easily as I could breathe.

The problem is once the kids came along and we were living in the middle of nowhere in the stunning French Alps, the opportunities to sing were vastly reduced.  My daughter wasn’t even all that fussed on lullabies and children’s songs, so there weren’t even many opportunities to sing at home behind closed doors.

It took almost 15 years for me to realize that my music so defined my personal value, that I had no idea who I was without it.  The last couple of years have been all about finding another place of  ”authority” as there’s no longer any real place for me to share my music in my current lifestyle.

This blog has been a part of that.  I wanted to come across as the fitness and health guru – the amazing “woman from nowhere who has the ultimate key to success”.  I envision myself trim, strong, muscled, high-energy, beautiful, glowing, and the vision of health and energy (Try not to fall about the place laughing!  :D)

The truth is, I’m 20lbs overweight – and those pounds are stuck to me like glue – I’m often scattered and unfocused, overwhelmed, I wear funny shoes, training pants that are just a little too short, and my hair sticks out in the morning, necessitating a hat.  In short, I’m cheap, and I have the fashion sense of a duck.

I do love to walk though, and I love working on my health and fitness.  I’m not a guru.  Not by a long shot.  You all know that, and now I know it too.  It’s not about being amazing and having all the answers.  It’s about being real.

So there you have it.  That’s me, warts and all.  I’m firmly on this journey of health, strength and wellness.  I have no intention of languishing in a home for the last 10 years of my life disconnected and disinterested.  I want to die laughing in the middle of a great adventure.  That part is true.

I want to live fully, authentically, and with a great sense of grace and humour towards myself and others.  That’s the direction this blog is going to take, and I’d love to invite you along for the ride.

What do you think?

Darlene Hull

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