Isn’t it funny how sometimes you can go about your day, all is well, and then some little thing happens and WHAM! Major over-reaction, emotions in a whirl, you are consumed by whatever it is that happened and it goes around and around in your head like a dog taking down a rat?

This has happened to me twice this week in my business.

I think it’s fair to say that I’m pretty open, and I love to share ideas, collaborate, support other businesses, etc. I make a habit of it. I do it on purpose, consciously, because I believe with all my heart that collaboration, an exchange of ideas, and support beats competition and closed fists any day. I’m even happy – and encouraging – when a person decides that a different solution to what I’m offering is a better choice (that happened to me this week, and it was fine. Honest.)

But two things happened this week that stopped me in my tracks. The first happened when my efforts to do something amazing were thwarted by someone who just wanted “the bare facts” and the second through a mis-communication in a FB post where I was trying to be helpful but it was misinterpreted and blew into a stabbing attack that I cannot seem to resolve. In both cases I was overwhelmed by the emotions which were obviously completely inappropriate for the seriousness of the situation. Both cases disturbed my peace of mind for days, hindered my sleep, and caused me to go through my days with deep, ulcerative anxiety.

What was THAT all about?

I took it to Jesus and asked Him to show me what was up. Turns out there’s a huge (HUGE) fear of rejection there. Way bigger than I had imagined – especially in the current situation I’m in with a loving, supportive family, great friends, and almost embarrassing amount of written praise and affirmation that comes my way (especially on my birthday). I mean, I do feel loved, appreciated, and supported, believe me! But there’s still something there…

I mean, we all have brokenness. That’s obvious. Some just creates frustration, and can be tackled on a case-by-case basis. This particular experience however, is obviously starting to affect my work, my productivity, my health and my relationships all around (who wants to hang out with someone who’s obsessing over some small slight?!) Wow.

During prayer, after showing Satan the door on this issue, I asked Jesus to first heal the root cause of this rejection and fear of abandonment, and then to help me to accept and receive what He’s already showering me with in evidence to the contrary.

It’s been a powerful experience, and the journey continues…

If you’ve walked through this yourself, I’d love to hear your story. If you have tips that will help me walk through this with greater integrity and more permanent results, I’m all ears!

Darlene

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This is a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately. How big is God, really?

In the conversations I’ve had with people about my not going to church there seems to be a lot of fear for my spiritual safety, and to be honest, I’ve also felt a little nervous regarding the spiritual growth of my two kids without the church to kind of “back them up”.

When this happens, I’m learning to stop myself and ask “How big is God?”

If my reasons for leaving the church were “right” ones (what appeared to be a call from God asking me to leave) as opposed to my leaving for reasons of anger, rebellion and hurt, and if my purpose is to really and truly know God as He really and truly is, and if I’m pursuing that desire through scripture, open fellowship where I’m encouraging people to speak truth to me, and prayer, and if I see strong growth in my life in confession, repentance, celebration, and fellowship, then what do I have to fear? Is God not big enough to help me? And if my heart is right, and I’m open before Him and before others – including my family – is He not also big enough to watch over my children?

I’ve been surprised by the amount of fear expressed towards me about this – not just from “outside” but also the amount that has surfaced in myself. I cannot believe how much my faith has been motivated by fear. This is NOT the foundation I want to build my relationship with God on. I want to stand solidly on His love, not my fear. Perfect love casts out fear, and that’s how I’m choosing to live.

And what about fellowship? The fellowship I see in the Bible in the New Testament is less about a formal, pre-planned church service with bells and whistles, and more about people coming together to celebrate Jesus because they couldn’t help sharing, each one bringing something to contribute about what they’re learning in the faith. Each one responsible for their own growth, and coming together to know and be known by others. Since leaving the church God has blessed me with several deep, deep friendships with people, conversations that bring tears, hilarious laughter, change, prayer, teaching, support, and great love. THIS is the fellowship I believe God wants us to have. For some, they find that in the church, and I say “Praise God”. For others it’s a little more difficult.

And strangely enough, I’m a huge fan of things like liturgy and spiritual discipline, ancient prayers and the like that is pretty much only found in the church, but I’m learning to find it and use it on my own as well, and I’m thriving in the richness of that heritage, too.

So, to answer my question: is God big enough to keep me and my family safe? I have to answer a resounding “YES”.

And I’m not going to waste any more time worrying about it. Whew!

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I’ve been reading a fascinating book at the encouragement of a friend. It’s called “Theology of the Body for Beginners“* Very cool. One of the lessons which struck me was the one on gift vs. grasp. It’s our current social epidemic.

In the Garden God had many gifts for Adam and Eve. Instead of trusting Him and waiting for Him to gift them with the things they needed, they decided to grasp for what they wanted – because of the fear that Satan planted in their hearts about God selling them short – and chaos ensued for all of us.

Before we judge them over-harshly, let’s look at our own lives. How often do we go get something on a credit card instead of waiting for God to give it to us in His perfect timing in His perfect way? I sense the panic rising in me when something I really want is on sale and I don’t have the cash in hand or in the bank to purchase it. I rush ahead of God and slap it on my Visa.

But it’s not just in finance. It’s in many areas: I want super fast healing, I want instantaneous success, I want perfect children and a perfect husband – now!

God has many gifts for me, and if I can manage to keep my eyes on Him instead of keeping my eyes on what I perceive to be my need I think I’d find many more miracles, many more opportunites to bless and be blessed by others, many more moments of deep and awesome intimacy with my God.

It’s all about patience and trust. I have very little of both. How about you?

Darlene

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In this whole “de-churched” journey I’ve been on for the past couple of years, one of the main goals is to strip my faith of its religion in order to make room for true relationship. The book that started it all for me was So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore by Wayne Jacobsen. It’s not an exaggeration to say that that book really changed my life.

I followed that up with his podcasts at The God Journey which can be a little irreverent, usually humorous, and always thought provoking.

However, just recently Wayne has released a whole series of teaching called “The Jesus Lens” about looking at the whole Bible through the life of Jesus. Wow. This is really powerful stuff, and as it’s all free, I highly, highly recommend that you take time to download it and listen to it. Really. It will save your faith.

Interestingly, at about the same time, John Eldredge, one of my all-time favourite authors, has also released a new book called “Beautiful Outlaw” about who Jesus really is, stripped of all the religious layers. Take a look: Beautiful Outlaw

If you go through the process and create an account you can get videos of 18 chapters of the book. Beautiful to watch. Refreshing for your spirit.

Enjoy the journey!

Darlene

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First of all, very exciting news! I was interviewed by a reporter for Chatelaine magazine – read the results here: How to stick to your walking workout I’d be grateful if you’d pass it on!

As you know, I’ve been experimenting with my life in a fairly concentrated fashion lately. The most extreme experiment being that of attempting polyphasic sleep.

The main reason I’m pushing so hard in different areas of my life, is that there is this sense of being “stuck”. It seems that many of my attempts to move forward don’t. Even my “non-attempts” (because people keep telling me to relax and “let things happen”) fall flat. No matter how hard I try – or don’t try – I struggle with losing weight, even though people who follow the advice I give based on considerable research, do. Being successful in business is an incredibly slow and tedious process, even though I am able to help others grow their business quickly. I can’t seem to master even small changes – and big changes, while they tend to be easier because they’re more “in your face” aren’t working either.

I’m not whining, and I’m not afraid of hard work and discipline. I just feel…stuck.

One of the reasons I wanted to try polyphasic sleep was to gain more time for spiritual devotions and get my life with God in a place where it is a life of victory and impact. I also wanted more time for fitness. Currently I feel like a bit of a slug. Trying to get up for devotions really early in the morning wasn’t working – my faith is so weak that strengthening it didn’t inspire me. And I’ve let anything and everything get in the way of fitness, even though I actually really enjoy my workout.

However, I am relentless. I believe there’s hope even for me!

These past two weeks of 2011 have been eye-opening mostly in the area of boundaries. There are things that are important to me, but I constantly let the urgent get in the way, and I am just not willing to put in the effort in some areas, to make the necessary difference. The boundary situation got so bad that I let everything of importance drop to tackle something that was urgent but had nothing to do with my life, my goals, or my convictions. How dumb is that? this is when I began to see that there is actually a problem bigger than what I recognized going on in my life.

I prayed about it, journaled, and I believe the key lies somewhere in my prayer life – which is about as effective as a wet sock. As I searched for understanding in how to move with power in prayer, I “stumbled” across a site that talks about being more effective in prayer, and it gives exercises and advice that challenge what I believe about prayer, but make sense, as well. As the prayer time needs to take place at midnight, according to this course, it’s also forcing me to create a polyphasic sleep pattern, which is interesting. I haven’t added fitness in to it yet, because the prayertime itself is already about 2 hours.

So currently I’m on a 21 day fast – 3 days of an “Esther Fast” (yes, I’m being very careful) and then 18 days of partial fasting, and I get up at midnight to pray according to a very specific schedule and pattern. This is the opening exercise of a 90 day prayer program that I’m currently finding fascinating. And, while it’s a struggle, I’m able to drag this sorry carcass out of bed at midnight every night, and battle in prayer for two hours before falling back asleep.

I’ll keep you posted!

Darlene

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As a social media manager I spend a lot of time researching the trends in today’s marketing. The interesting thing is that we’re moving from marketing that “shouts” to marketing that “engages”. People want to do business with people who know how to connect with them, hear what they have to say, and then respond.

Interestingly enough, as I continue on my journey of “Free Living” and non-religious Christianity, I keep coming up against the same message. People are not looking for behaviour modification. They’re not looking for rules. They’re not looking for systems. They’re looking for relationship. They want relationships with each other, and a relationship with God.

This is easier said than done. After 50 years in the church I can tell you all about the rules. I am, however, clueless about the relationship. I’ve even realized that many of the human relationships I built in that system aren’t really “real” relationships either – they disappeared when I left. So, the search begins.

How do you “get intimate” with a God you can’t see with your eyes, or feel with your hands? In my current journey, I’m finding that this is a huge question. I’m finding some success by just trying to open my spirit to God’s spirit and listening for His promptings. Sometimes this works. I let God wake me in the night for prayer. I listen to great podcasts as I walk.

In most of my religious church upbringing I was always afraid of doing something wrong. I was always striving to do enough. I worked myself into burnout with no visible benefits. Now I’m realizing that – just as with my “real” relationships with family and friends – I’m not as concerned about behaviour as I am about heart direction. We all make mistakes, and that never changes how I feel about my friends and my family. I “get” their hearts, and know where they’re coming from. It’s the same with God. If I can stop worrying about measuring up to some invisible standard, and just focus on being myself and letting Him reveal who He is, things work a little better. It’s about relationship, not rules, and while that’s much more difficult to define, it is so much more freeing to live!

And isn’t it true that in this modern age of hyper communication, what we’re all seeking is just a little more honest intimacy with real people?

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I believe strongly that victory is won or lost in the brain. All day long there’s a kind of “chatter going on inside our heads. That chatter is either confirming who we are in Christ, who we are as our best selves, or it’s going against it. Most people I know have chatter that is constantly condemning, rebuking, or criticizing either ourselves and/or others. Negative, black self-talk that is like a black sludge drawing us deeper and deeper into despair. It doesn’t allow us to live a life of victory or joy, and because of it, most of us never truly live out our potential.

Do you hear yourself every saying to yourself “Great. You screwed up again”, or “I will NEVER get this right”, or “I’m such an idiot”? Those kinds of phrases end up being agreements with Satan, and they give him an every greater foothold in our lives. We need to combat these kinds of thoughts, but you know already from experience that trying to tell yourself something different when you don’t quite believe it (like “I am powerful, successful and wealthy) only seems to confirm what we’re not.

I believe there is a much more powerful way to change our thought patterns – replace them with a focus on Christ – not necessarily by combating them with the word of God when they arise – i.e. you are angry so you quote Ephesians 4:26 over and over again, hoping you’ll calm down – but you often don’t.

I think there’s a better way – just simply fill your mind with good stuff so there isn’t room for negative self-talk. This will slowly allow us to “be transformed by the renewing of our minds”

We’ve talked before about the habit of attaching prayer to various activities. There is such a wealth of deep prayer circulating in Christian literature, that it’s not hard to find one that does exactly the right thing.

In our N.A.V.Y adventures a couple of weeks ago I suggested that as you drink your daily lemon tea (2x/day) you pray the wonderful prayer from Sarah Young: “Jesus, open my eyes that I might see you everywhere”. Here’s another of my favourite prayers that I like to use throughout the day (it’s a version of the “Anima Chrsiti”)

“Jesus, may all that is you flow into me.
May your body and blood be my food and drink.
May your passion and death be my strength and life.
Jesus, with you by my side enough has been given.
May the shelter I seek be the shadow of your cross.
Let me not run from the love which you offer,
but hold me safe from the forces of evil.
On each of my dyings shed your light and your love.
Keep calling to me until that day comes,
when, with your saints, I may praise you forever. Amen.”

Try memorizing that beautiful prayer, and then reciting it to yourself throughout the day either at specific times, with specific activities, or simply as you think of it. It will go a long way to cleaning up the sludge of negative back talk!

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So it’s been a long journey from religious habit to heart-relationship with God. We’re certainly not at our final destination yet, but I imagine that will only happen when I’m no longer here on planet earth!

But good things are happening. I find myself now able to turn to God more naturally, in conversation. I am starting to hunger for His word, and I’m listening to the Bible as I sleep (with my funky new SleepPhones!) I’ve also been reading a daily devotional most mornings called “Joy and Strength” which I love. It’s not the frothy, superficial “cup of coffee for a woman’s soul” kind of devotional. It has real meat in it. For example, this is what I read the other day:

“As soon as I woke in the morning I threw myself into the arms of Divine Love as a child does into its father’s arms. I rose to serve Him, and to perform my daily labor simply that I might please Him. If I had time for prayer, I fell on my knees in His divine presence, consecrated myself to Him, and begged Him that He would accomplish His holy will perfectly in me, and through me, and that He would not permit me to offend Him in the least thing all through the day,. I occupied myself with Him and His praise as long as my duties permitted. Very often, I had not leisure to say even so much as the Lord’s Prayer during the day, but that did not trouble me. I thought it as much my duty to work for Him as to pray to Him, for He, Himself had taught me, that all that I should do for love of Him would be a true prayer. I loved Him and rejoiced in Him. If my occupations required all my attention, I had nevertheless my heart turned towards Him; and, as soon as they were finished, I ran to Him again, as to my dearest Friend. When evening came, and every one went to rest, I found mine only in the Divine Love, and fell asleep, still loving and adoring Him.” (Armelle Nicolas)

Ahhh. This is what my heart longs for, and this is what my stone heart is beginning to experience. Just a small beginning, but a beginning, nonetheless!

Strange. As we enter the dark, dormant Winter season, my heart is celebrating Spring!

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My own ethnic heritage is Welsh/English. My maternal Grandparents were immigrants from Wales, met here in Canada, married, and raised their family here.   My paternal Grandparents were from the Birmingham area in England and came to Canada several generations ago.

I never thought much about my heritage until I married my Belfast boy.  I became fascinated with the whole Celtic heritage that I’d inherited through my ancestors, and again through marriage and started to explore it a little.

Fascinating stories of old saints and amazing hardships.

The part that really appealed to me is their Christian heritage.  St Patrick – who hailed from Britain – was captured as a slave when he was a young boy.  He escaped, became a Christian, and returned to Ireland as a Bishop, and is almost single-handedly credited with converting them to the Christian faith.  He was beloved by all, and became Ireland’s patron saint.

In exploring Celtic faith and Christianity I discovered something that became really meaningful to me.  As the “Spiritual Directions” site states,

Every aspect of Celtic life was approached as an opportunity for union with the divine….their entire day was entwined with prayer. No part of life was too ordinary, mundane or routine for the Holy One to be present in it. The Celts had blessings for everything from house to hearth, animals and land, birth and death, waking and sleeping and travel.

I think this is wonderful!  My contemplative heart loves the idea of having every day bathed in prayer.  Yes, you can make it a chore and a mundane, thoughtless habit, or you can use it as a way to constantly connect to God.

I grew up in a very traditional Baptist church – choir robes, pipe organ, “Holy, Holy, Holy” and the whole nine yards.  It was a great church with loving, caring  people, but my young heart desired something much richer and deeper.  Because of that, I was always drawn to the Catholic Church with its pomp and circumstance, its icons, robes, incense and ceremony.  Being a Baptist, I struggled with their doctrine, but I loved their worship.

This longing has created quite a bit of confusion in my heart.  There was a time – not that long ago – when the desire to live as a nun in a convent spending my day in prayer was a tangible, living  thing in my soul.  Being married to a staunch Northern Irish presbyterian made that somewhat awkward although my husband is such a great man, he gave me freedom to explore.

When this whole journey reached a critical pitch, I was able to see that my longing was not for the Catholic Church, or for a particular form of worship, but it was more for a relationship with  God that allowed free expression of emotion, quiet times of togetherness, and deep intimacy.  For some reason the Catholic system embodied that for me.

When I looked deeper into the Celtic traditions, I realized I could take that longing and make it part of my everyday by using simple prayers as a tool to remind myself to simply connect and enter in.

When I hit my “religious crisis” that I’ve posted about recently, I put all of that aside, but it’s now calling to me from a healthier place.  I want any tool I can get to reach out to God regularly, so I’m slowly bringing those prayers back in to my everyday life.  I am slowly attaching prayer to mundane activities like drinking my water, washing my dishes, waking up in the morning and going to bed at night.  Mostly I use memorized prayers as a tool to enter in, and then I let the relationship take over.

I’m back to taking baby steps here, but as long as I’m moving forward, I’m in a good and happy place!

What do you think?  How do you connect with God in your day?  How do you live out a meaningful spirituality?  Post in the comments below!

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So last week on my walk I was listening to this great podcast called “Discovering How Loved We Are” on with Wayne Jacobsen and Darin Hufford about the ability to live free from the law and religion as Christians (my current spiritual journey theme, if you’r new here). Very, very encouraging.

The cool thing was that the podcast ended shortly before my walk did, and so I switched to my “Power Song” on my iPod which happens to be “Pour My Love On You” – a song that I could listen to over and over and over and over and… Anyway, as I listened to it, God said, “This is Me, singing to you”.

I don’t know how to say exactly how I feel
And I can’t begin to tell you what your love has meant
I’m lost for words
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are
You’re my dearest friend
Darlene, this is my desire to pour my love on you
CHORUS:
Like oil upon your feet
Like wine for you to drink
Life water from my heart
I pour my love on you
With praises like the perfume
I lavish mine on you
Till every drop is gone
I pour my love on you
Is there a way to show the passion in my heart
Can I express how truly great I think you are,
My dearest friend
Darlene, this is my desire to pour my love on you

Wow. Blew my world.

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